words of affirmation

Since I first heard about the 5 love languages, I figured my top one would be words of affirmation (I have never taken the quiz). Affirming words foster deep connection. For me this goes beyond “good job” or “you’ve got this,” which is pretty encouraging. But it’s words that bring solidarity (“I know what you mean”), words that inspire (“Look at you setting boundaries like you’ve been wanting”) and words that express specific appreciation (“Thank you for taking care of me when I was sick”) that really stick. Those are all real life examples from just this past week.

I’ve often thought the voice in our heads is shaped by and sounds a lot like the words we heard growing up. That’s not to say the actual words spoken, but the words we heard and the words we heard the loudest. In my family, I am the youngest of three by many years. While my siblings liked to tease me that I was a shock/surprise/accident, my parents used an Arabic expression that translates to “the last grape is always the sweetest.” My dad was 46 when I was born, and as I grew he continually said what a blessing I was to him in his old age. I felt like he said it every day (which couldn’t be true), but that’s because I looked up to him so much and his eyes lit up when he said it.

I don’t know how to express this without ironically sounding anything but affirming, but I feel like lifting others up is sincerely lacking in relationships these days. And even though I appreciate and see the value of affirmation, I have found myself slipping into correction and criticism more and more.

I’m pretty sure my son’s love language is words also. I remember watching him write down, “Mom said I did a good job being quiet” at church and tucking the piece of paper in his Bible for safe keeping. It’s as if he not only wanted to remember what I said, but also to do it again.

I looked up the word “encourage” and found that it comes from Old French encoragier, meaning “make strong, hearten.” When we encourage someone, we put strength in their heart! Some consider affirmation and encouragement as similar, but having different goals. Affirmation focuses on the past while encouragement focuses on the future.

Not everything everyone says is true, whether good or bad, but I have a tendency to dismiss words that sound negative without considering the source or ways I could grow. In the Bible, we are told to speak the truth in love. I also want to learn to listen in love and to bring affirming words into the future, tucking them away in my heart for the next opportunity.

~Diane xo